Tough day

I finally plucked up the courage and went to see the doctor today to discuss my emotions and anxiety and I’m so glad I did in a way, as soon as I got there I started crying and apologising for crying. The doctor was lovely and she said she can see how affected I am at the moment and has prescribed my anti depressants and sleeping tablets and I’m on the waiting list for counselling. It made me quite sad someone confirming it all though and I’ve felt quite down today about it. I’ve told my best friend but that’s it. I feel I should let others know in case my mood affects any friendships etc but I hate opening up.

I’m going to start my medication tomorrow and sleeping tablets from Sunday night. I have to see the doctor again in 3 wks to see how it’s going with the meds.

The rest of the day wasn’t too bad as I was cleaning and getting ready for my date with L tonight. As my parents are still away it was the last time I’d have a free house so I bought prosecco and snacks and he was due over around 7ish. An hour before he text saying he had a family meal to go to. I kind of expected some excuse to come up but was hoping that was me being silly but nope. So here I am drinking prosecco and eating popcorn watching burlesque alone on a Friday night. I’m trying not to cry as I did all my makeup etc and don’t want to waste tears on another guy! I haven’t responded to his last message as I’m too angry.

Why is it that the guys I fall for mess me about but the guys who fall for me I’m not interested in?! It’s super frustrating!

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Unable to see the light

Money issues have been on my mind a lot today and I just can’t see a way out of this debt. The problem I have is that I have 3 credit cards and I’m paying the minimum amount every month, with my interest rates I’m actually only contributing 1/4 of the money that I’m paying each month so I’m wasting 3/4 on interest! How will I ever pay them off?! 

I can’t imagine literally using all my spare money to start paying more off though as I feel so low as it is and need a treat now and then and night out etc otherwise I’d be even more worried about myself and my sanity.

I was due to part exchange my car and get my new car and I’ve been refused finance on my new car even though I already have an existing contract with them. It’s really embarrassing as L is the guy dealing with it and I don’t want this to put him off me but also I was looking forward to getting my new car.

If anyone has any debt advice out there please do let me know, I’m about to get a pay rise at work in a month and half but it’s not much but still it’s something and I’ll start putting a little extra in one of the cards so I can start seeing it lower. It’s so depressing. So I’ve been sat in tears again tonight, I just want to run away and forget about money issues and all issues! Fed up of this and I don’t want to be unhappy, life is too damn short!

Low day

Today has been a particularly low day, I’m not sure why but I’ve literally been on the verge of tears all day at work and it’s been quite a stressful day too which hasn’t helped. So now I’m at home crying my eyes out. I’m glad my parents are away this week so I can let my emotions out without anyone seeing me but I hate how I’m feeling and I can’t shake it off. I really feel I’m slipping back into depression again and I feel I need to see the doctor again but don’t want to admit it or cry in front of someone.

I had such a great night on Saturday with my friend and L and spent the night with L again. We just get on really well and it’s fun. I know he’d never want anything serious though, he’s younger and never had a proper gf really. I can’t stop thinking about him though and it’s the first guy since my long term ex that has really taken my mind off him and knowing it’s probably going to end pretty soon sucks. So I’m distracting myself by meeting up with a guy for a drink tonight, all I’ll be thinking about is L probably but I can’t rely on him when I feel my heart will get crushed soon.

When am I going to finally feel happy?! I really really cannot see it happening at all and that’s a horrible feeling…I’m nearly 30 and I’m really sad, life shouldn’t be like this and I just don’t know what to do.

Keeping options open…

Today I’ve woken up more positive. I’ve had quite a down week but today is a good day so I’m holding onto that feeling!

My parents are away for a week so I finally get some peace and the house to myself which is great as I can do what I want and have a spell of my independency back again. It’ll be tough when they’re back but I’ll deal with that when it comes!

Tonight I’ve managed to tag along with an old friend and his group of friends to go out for the opening of a club that’s just had a refurb and name change. Yay! Haven’t seen him in years so I am a bit nervous but I know it’ll be fun when I’m out, will be odd with a group of guys only though lol. It’s going to be messy!

I’ve also been chatting to a few different guys, update below:

  • R aka motocross– so I met R earlier this year, maybe April time on a night out and we’ve met on nights out a few times since and have ended up getting together, oopsy. He doesn’t have much of a personality in person but we chat lots over messaging and the last couple of weeks especially we’ve been messaging every day and he’s been real chatty. I’m liking him more but not taking it seriously. We haven’t got together for over a month now but after his hol he said I could have a test ride on his motorbike so possibly our first proper date there! Ha!
  • L aka car sales guy – we met 2 weeks ago as he’s dealing with my part exchange and new car I get in a week and half yay. He’s hot and cheeky and we ended up together a couple of weeks ago and had a date since, he’s been quiet and bad at responding this wk so it’s annoyed me a bit but I’ve played it cool. Last night he was messaging quite a bit and being flirty and talking about staying over tonight. As I said in my last post there’s something about him and can’t get him out of my head even though I know it’ll never be anything more than it is.
  • J aka army pilot – we met on tinder yesterday but we’ve messaged loads and he’s very cheeky and fun so watch this space.
  • M aka army guy – we met in June and ended up getting together and haven’t seen eachother since but have messaged lots, I was going to stay at his tonight but going out instead now but sure I’ll have a date with him soon. No idea what will happen with us!

That’s the main options to report on. Something they all have in common is that they’re all younger than me! I really need to start dating guys my own age but can’t find any decent fun ones. R and L are my top 2 and they’re both out tonight, R is definitely in the same place and L most likely will be unless he can’t get in as it’s going to be so busy. So let’s see who I wake up next to tomorrow, if anyone but it’s likely to be L I think, and kinda hope! Although the I don’t want to upset R but when he’s not asking me out apart from drunken nights and this one date I’ve pushed for with his motorbike then tough! I’m not waiting around lol.

NYC, new beginnings…

oops so I haven’t written in a while, I really want to keep up with this but it’s hard when my feelings are so up and down I find. So NYC was a great experience, it made me realise I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship though so I ended things with M when I got back, he’s so lovely so it’s such a shame but it’s not right. If I’m still thinking of my ex when with him then he’s obviously not the one so I’ll just be strong and patient until the one sweeps me off my feet and I stop thinking about my ex like that!

I rejoined the world of online dating as it’s a good distraction and even though it’s annoying a lot of the time it can be funny and you can meet the odd half decent guy who you can have a conversation with. I also met someone who is selling me my new car, which I collect in 2 weeks – exciting, and there’s something about him I really like and could see myself falling for him but he’s 6 years younger and I have a feeling I’ll get hurt. I’m being careful but don’t want to not try because I’m too scared. We ended up spending the night together last wk and had a date this wk which was really nice just relaxing watching films. I don’t know what it is about him but I feel I could really like him and that terrifies me…

I’ve decided to seriously look into finding my own little 1 bed place in Oxfordshire and it seems there are a few pet friendly places so that’s made me feel positive, now all I need to do it work out my money plan to see what is realistically affordable. I hope to move early 2016 ideally. Will keep you updated.

Also my next promotion at work is likely to be half a year or more sooner than expected, very exciting. Pay rise next month then promotion in a few months. Work is making me feel positive too. Now to transfer that to my personal life…2016 will be my year I’ve got a good feeling…