Can’t handle this

I literally cannot handle the feeling of disappointment and hurt anymore. I can’t handle dating. It hurts too much. What am I supposed to do?!

I’ve had 2 official dates and 2 brief encounters with D in the last 2 weeks. We had our 1st date on Xmas eve other drinks in our local city bars then went back to his and I gave in to naughtiness. I’ve literally never got in with someone so well on a 1st date, so much in common and so much chat. Then we had our 2nd date Boxing Day night and I went to his with alcohol and games and we had more naughtiness and I just felt we were so compatible in every way. We got on, joked, laughed, flirted, had banter, had great sex etc.

So today I’ve suggested a couple of days in the next week to meet and he’s busy so fair enough. He then sent me the following: “can we just see how things go in the week? It would be good to meet again but can we just go with the flow?”

To meet that’s pretty much someone saying they don’t want to date anyone, how would you read into that? He’s literally the perfect guy so it’s understandably hurt me A LOT especially with all my recent emotions and I finally felt he could help me through this and I had a good feeling from the initial meeting with him. I’m so fed up of being the girl that guys are happy to have fun with, why not anything serious? I’m easygoing, fun, caring and have so much to give.

 Advice is needed please!

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True quote for me

 The last two years have been the toughest and saddest of my entire life. This makes me more determined to make 2016 my year! I can do this and be the strong person I once was who is happy and looking forward to the future. 

 

Christmas sadness

I really didn’t want to feel sad today and hoped I wouldn’t but it’s happened.

Christmas Day started well with walking the dogs over the fields with my parents and opening lots of presents then having a nice pub lunch with some of the family. After that I napped and then my dad annoyed me, the one thing I wanted to watch on tv today he got funny about as it would mean he missed one of the many soaps on! After that we had a cocktail and some buffet food and my parents got sucked into the tv, watched soaps and downton, and didn’t want to socialise or play games at all. So I was sat there bored on my phone with no one to speak to or have fun with.

It’s my first year being single in 9 years and it’s a struggle. I’m used to being around others and a bigger family so it makes me sad seeing friends put up pics with big families and children etc as I want that so bad and miss that a lot. Is it too much to ask that Christmas Day doesn’t revolve around the tv. It’s pretty sad I haven’t been able to play games, be social and have fun this year. I really can’t stay in for NYE so am now desperate to make plans. This is not helping me and my depression. I need to make things better than waste time feeling like this…life is too short!

Merry Christmas all and I hope you’ve all had a wonderful time xoxo

Jealous

It’s strange when a song you’ve known for a while suddenly means a lot when you really listen to the lyrics. This happened to me today with Labrinth’s song Jealous. In specific it’s the line “I’m jealous of the way, you’re happy without me.” My ex keeps putting up statuses and pics on Facebook with his girlfriend and it hurts as he never ever put up anything to do with me over 6 years!
Anyways my counselling session went well I think. It was tough opening up finally and I did keep breaking a little but I hope this space to be able to talk and let my feeling out will help. I have 45minutes once a week until the start of January. I had my second session today and found it tough again but the counsellor does suggest things and recap and helps me make sense of some things I’m feeling/saying. It’s good to get it all out and really think about it and get advice from an outsider. It’s the forgiveness I’m struggling with and the feeling that I’d hurt someone else or I’ll be hurt myself and that I close up now. Also that I feel stuck in a rut with my living situation and moving into my own place would be the best thing for me but that’s not possible for the immediate future unfortunately due to money etc.

Christmas is round the corner now and I’m so not ready or wanting it to come this year. Shame as I love it usually but dreading nearly 2 wks off plus I have no new year plans 😦 it’s going to be pretty tough this year. First single one since I was 20 so 9 years! Xoxo