Memories

It’s the memories and adventures that keep reminding me of how I felt at that moment in time and with my ex L. It’s been a year and a half now and it just doesn’t get much easier. He drove past me the other day and waved and I just broke down, something so simple can have such an effect on me.

It’s a new year and I’ve generally been feeling positive, even though I’ve been diagnosed with a chest infection but at least it’s not pneumonia like the doctor thought it could be originally, so even though I’ve been bed ridden the first week of the new year and signed off work with time to think I’ve actually been fairly positive. I’ve thought about holidays this year, days out, events and I’ve begun filling in my 2016 diary. But then a memory creeps in and it takes me back and makes me feel sad.

Something I’ve realised also is that because I did a lot with L and I spent 6 years with him he’s been most of my adult life as we met when 21/22 most of my experiences and best times have been with him. I’m worried this can affect dating and moving on as I obviously talk about places I’ve been, holidays I’ve been on, things I’ve done and they ask who I did that with etc and I say with my ex. But I suppose at this age people need to expect that.

I’m 30 this year, it’s a big year for me. I really want to find my own place but it’s so expensive around here and with a dog half the time it makes it incredibly difficult but I am determined. Once I know my new pay after my promotion is approved I’ll do a plan money wise and save and see what I can realistically afford so I can still do things too. In my own place I’d do a lot more in though too saving me money as I’d have my own space and can have friends, and dates, around for movie nights and drinks and games etc. I really want to make this happen this year. I have 8 months until I’m 30 to make this a reality.

In 2015 I’m proud of myself for not shutting myself away, for seeking medical help and counselling for depression and anxiety, for traveling to New York on my own and for continuing to battle on. 2016 I want to be my year and I want to look back on this at the end of the year and realise how much further I’ve come.

Here’s to trying to make new memories that won’t feature L and thinking about my new memories I’ll make this year and beyond…

Advertisements

Lay off the alcohol

I’m sure everyone thinks this at this time of year after the festive period and socialness of it all but I’m thinking in general. I feel I’ve been relying on alcohol a lot to make me temporarily happy but I binge drink and always get sooo drunk I don’t remember most of my fun nights out. Then I have a 2 day hangover and sore feet! I’m not saying at nearly 30 I’m too old to keep doing this at all as I’m not but maybe I need to cut back. Also the amount I’m spending I could be saving towards my place I want sometime this year.

I need to start thinking of priorities. I need to find other ways of having fun without getting wrecked.

I have so many thoughts going through my head…due to many reasons but including:

  • It’s a new year and I need to make some changes in my life…small but still changes that will lead to big changes eventually to better myself and my life
  • Need to sort out my debt issues and start saving and paying them off more than I am
  • I’m currently ill with a chest infection and possible pneumonia so I’ve got plenty of time to think
  • I want to make my parents and family proud of me in all aspects of my life and prove I have my shit together once again

I’m feeling positive that I can do this so hopefully this thought stays with me! All of these will help me with my depression and help me to learn to love myself again then who knows maybe I’ll meet the right guy who will truly love me…here’s to 2016!