Christmas sadness

I really didn’t want to feel sad today and hoped I wouldn’t but it’s happened.

Christmas Day started well with walking the dogs over the fields with my parents and opening lots of presents then having a nice pub lunch with some of the family. After that I napped and then my dad annoyed me, the one thing I wanted to watch on tv today he got funny about as it would mean he missed one of the many soaps on! After that we had a cocktail and some buffet food and my parents got sucked into the tv, watched soaps and downton, and didn’t want to socialise or play games at all. So I was sat there bored on my phone with no one to speak to or have fun with.

It’s my first year being single in 9 years and it’s a struggle. I’m used to being around others and a bigger family so it makes me sad seeing friends put up pics with big families and children etc as I want that so bad and miss that a lot. Is it too much to ask that Christmas Day doesn’t revolve around the tv. It’s pretty sad I haven’t been able to play games, be social and have fun this year. I really can’t stay in for NYE so am now desperate to make plans. This is not helping me and my depression. I need to make things better than waste time feeling like this…life is too short!

Merry Christmas all and I hope you’ve all had a wonderful time xoxo

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Jealous

It’s strange when a song you’ve known for a while suddenly means a lot when you really listen to the lyrics. This happened to me today with Labrinth’s song Jealous. In specific it’s the line “I’m jealous of the way, you’re happy without me.” My ex keeps putting up statuses and pics on Facebook with his girlfriend and it hurts as he never ever put up anything to do with me over 6 years!
Anyways my counselling session went well I think. It was tough opening up finally and I did keep breaking a little but I hope this space to be able to talk and let my feeling out will help. I have 45minutes once a week until the start of January. I had my second session today and found it tough again but the counsellor does suggest things and recap and helps me make sense of some things I’m feeling/saying. It’s good to get it all out and really think about it and get advice from an outsider. It’s the forgiveness I’m struggling with and the feeling that I’d hurt someone else or I’ll be hurt myself and that I close up now. Also that I feel stuck in a rut with my living situation and moving into my own place would be the best thing for me but that’s not possible for the immediate future unfortunately due to money etc.

Christmas is round the corner now and I’m so not ready or wanting it to come this year. Shame as I love it usually but dreading nearly 2 wks off plus I have no new year plans 😦 it’s going to be pretty tough this year. First single one since I was 20 so 9 years! Xoxo

Opening up and facing the truth

So tomorrow my counselling sessions begin. I’m nervous, really nervous. Nervous about opening up, being honest, getting upset, opening wounds, facing things I have avoided for a year and half and not knowing if this will be worthwhile for me. I really hate showing my emotions and always act tough and have a smile on my face so tomorrow will be really difficult for me.

I’m really missing caring about someone and having someone truly care for me. I want to find that again and for it to be real. I just can’t see it happening. 

I’ll update on my counselling session shortly. Wish me luck xoxo

Needing to move on

 It’s been nearly a year and half since my ex L and I broke up. He has his one year anniversary with his girlfriend at the weekend which was tough. I can’t believe how quick that time has gone but also can’t believe they’re still together. Now they’ve just booked a holiday to America and are going to Vegas which was a special place for L and I so I’m hurting he is now taking her there as I never thought he would because of the memories we had there. It sucks!

I found this quote tonight and it is completely perfect for me right now. I miss all and I miss our life together. I miss the closeness and him being my best friend who I felt myself around. I’m finding it so hard to be happy and love myself and keep going out and getting drunk and meeting random guys. I long to meet someone who will love me for me and someone I can have fun with…where is this guy?!

My hope is fading to be honest and I’m at the point I can’t imagine meeting someone and being able to move on completely. I want it to happen though, I really do.

 

When will I be “someone special” to someone?

That’s the question that’s really been on my mind the last 24 hours more than ever. The reason being is that I thought I’d text a guy I had a night of fun with from a short while ago and he replied saying the reason he hasn’t been in touch is because he’s met someone special. Why couldn’t I have been that someone special and he give me that chance to be?!

Thinking back over 2015 it’s happened so much where guys want to date me and we have a great time but they don’t want a relationship. If they really like me as they say they do and enjoy my company etc then why can’t we try and be in a relationship? I really don’t understand guys. I’ll be 30 next step and time isn’t slowing down at all, it’s flying by, I feel I don’t have time to waste. 

I want to meet someone special. Someone that will make me forget about memories of my ex and my feelings for him. Someone that will hug me and make me feel safe. Someone that will kiss my forehead and that will tell me he cares. Someone who isn’t afraid of his feelings. Someone that will realise I am pretty special and would do anything for the right person.

I just can’t see it happening and as each day goes by and especially after every idiot I meet my hopes are fading, I really can’t imagine meeting him, the one who will make me happy again and make me understand why I’ve been through all of this and such a tough break up over a year ago.

Til then I guess I’ll continue to try and meet decent guys, who knows what could happen, I just hope it’s all for the positive as I can’t take much more hurt and sadness…

Waves of emotion

It’s been nearly a month since I last wrote. That’s mainly because work has been so busy and I’ve been doing really well, I feel I’m putting my all into my career at the moment and it’s paying off with my next promotion now due in January hopefully. The next month again will be hectic and important for me but it’s a good distraction.

I’m nearly back to square one on the love life front. R is still in my life and we are messaging lots but that’s all it is really, he’s been travelling for work lately so we will see when he’s back next month if we actually have a date finally rather than a drunken fumble. L I’ve not forgiven really since he cancelled on me and was with his mates not his family, I want someone who feels lucky to be with me so he’s a waste of space!

Since then I met someone on pof, ok he was younger and lives a bit far away but I gave it a go as he was lovely and different to the usuals online. We met half way and spent the day shopping, had lunch etc and I felt comfortable with him. But he’s had a troubled past and it showed with how he spoke to me over message sometimes and he shocked me at the weekend with his words so I’ve decided not to pursue that.

So now I nearly have a clean slate. I’ve decided to go on a date with someone who I have mutual friends with but haven’t met before. We live only a couple of minutes drive from eachother so that’s good but he is 6 years younger and has a young daughter, he’s so hot though so why not?! I haven’t had a really fun cocktail date in a while. Hope his hotness doesn’t throw me off though haha. That’s on Friday so wish me luck.

In other news I’ve been on sleeping tablets and anti depressants for nearly 3 weeks now and have my follow up doctors appointment on Friday afternoon. It’s hard to tell if they’ve helped or not yet as my emotions still come in waves and I’ve been distracted lots with work and going away with friends etc which helps a lot. I just want to meet someone that makes me feel special and who I adore so I can forget about my ex.