Turning a corner…

That’s right, my life has turned a positive corner for a number of reasons lately. I wish my grandma was here to share everything with but I know she’s looking down on me and smiling me and supporting me alon with my grandad. So what’s happened?!

House

Yes I’ve finally found my own place. Last Saturday I viewed it and I made my decision five minutes after leaving the viewing. I move in less than two weeks now, how exciting?! My own cute house with a lovely garden. My parents have been extremely supportive and generous during this process and have bought me new items for my house and given me money so I can afford to furnish the place with new items rather than second hand which I thought would be happening. I’ve needed my own space for a while now and after living back at home for just over two years the time has come, I honestly was worrying it wouldn’t happen then it happens so quickly. I couldn’t be happier. I’m packing now and surrounded by flat pack furniture boxes and boxes of my things, too exciting! I hope Charlie, my dog, will love the new place. The garden is perfect for him and safely enclosed so I’m sure he will. I just hope he settles quickly.

Love

I’ve been on two dates with a guy called Lee. We bonded over a mutual love of a band from our childhood online and met a few days later. He’s confident, hilarious, sarcastic, cute and hot…so far he seems like the guy I’ve been hoping to meet. We’ve had two fun dates and have our third tomorrow. I can’t wait to see him and he just messaged to say he’s looking forward to tomorrow and can’t wait to see me. I’m liking this one and we have a spark and I’ve got a really good feeling. Fingers and toes crossed for Lee and I! Also he lives less than a few minutes drive from my new house. Meant to be?! We shall see… I’m enjoying getting to know him before we have sex too.

Work

After being promoted again in April I’ve done well. Last week I managed my women’s executive programme also and did a great job. I’ve received a lot of positive feedback from everyone also so I’m happy. There’s a potential chance of a manager’s job b coming vacant in the next month or so also and my director is suggesting I go for it. I would never have thought about it just yet, maybe a year’s time but she’s given me the confidence to think I can do it and why not go for the interview?! She’s supporting me and will update me when she knows more about the potential vacancy.

So all in all it’s been positive for me and I’ve actually cried a few times from happiness and genuine happiness. I haven’t felt like this in so long, I literally cannot remember when I felt like this. It’s an odd feeling but a great one and one I want to hold on to. I’ll keep you updated! xoxo

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The right fish must be out there somewhere…

I’m still relying on online dating to find me the right match. Do I have hope?…No. So why do I do it? I have no idea! It passes time and I don’t really meet guys any other way apart from a drunken kiss in a bar/club and them being a lot younger than me.

I attract some right weird people, in life and online too, my friends didn’t believe I receive so many odd messages online so I logged in and the first two were…



Seriously?! 99.99999% of the time I get boring ‘hey’ messages or weird messages like the above. Another example:


What is wrong with guys today?! No I do not want to sit on your face all day long, aside from that being uncomfortable for you I have things to do plus you’re just gross!

I’ve changed my age range I search in now to 29-35 (I’m now 30) as I know I need to stop finding younger guys, it always happens, I’d like to meet a hot mature guy who knows what he wants in life. Apparently that’s way too much to ask for and he doesn’t seem to exist but I have to have a tiny bit of hope right?! It’s not like I’m expecting to meet anyone now and I feel I have a guard up from dealing with arseholes, I just hope my turn to be happy with someone comes sometime soon…

Life is funny, it scares me as you don’t know what’s around the corner – good or bad – and it’s been a bumpy year. I thought it’d be my year but now I have to hope 2017 will be. My 30s will be my decade!

Can’t handle this

I literally cannot handle the feeling of disappointment and hurt anymore. I can’t handle dating. It hurts too much. What am I supposed to do?!

I’ve had 2 official dates and 2 brief encounters with D in the last 2 weeks. We had our 1st date on Xmas eve other drinks in our local city bars then went back to his and I gave in to naughtiness. I’ve literally never got in with someone so well on a 1st date, so much in common and so much chat. Then we had our 2nd date Boxing Day night and I went to his with alcohol and games and we had more naughtiness and I just felt we were so compatible in every way. We got on, joked, laughed, flirted, had banter, had great sex etc.

So today I’ve suggested a couple of days in the next week to meet and he’s busy so fair enough. He then sent me the following: “can we just see how things go in the week? It would be good to meet again but can we just go with the flow?”

To meet that’s pretty much someone saying they don’t want to date anyone, how would you read into that? He’s literally the perfect guy so it’s understandably hurt me A LOT especially with all my recent emotions and I finally felt he could help me through this and I had a good feeling from the initial meeting with him. I’m so fed up of being the girl that guys are happy to have fun with, why not anything serious? I’m easygoing, fun, caring and have so much to give.

 Advice is needed please!

When will I be “someone special” to someone?

That’s the question that’s really been on my mind the last 24 hours more than ever. The reason being is that I thought I’d text a guy I had a night of fun with from a short while ago and he replied saying the reason he hasn’t been in touch is because he’s met someone special. Why couldn’t I have been that someone special and he give me that chance to be?!

Thinking back over 2015 it’s happened so much where guys want to date me and we have a great time but they don’t want a relationship. If they really like me as they say they do and enjoy my company etc then why can’t we try and be in a relationship? I really don’t understand guys. I’ll be 30 next step and time isn’t slowing down at all, it’s flying by, I feel I don’t have time to waste. 

I want to meet someone special. Someone that will make me forget about memories of my ex and my feelings for him. Someone that will hug me and make me feel safe. Someone that will kiss my forehead and that will tell me he cares. Someone who isn’t afraid of his feelings. Someone that will realise I am pretty special and would do anything for the right person.

I just can’t see it happening and as each day goes by and especially after every idiot I meet my hopes are fading, I really can’t imagine meeting him, the one who will make me happy again and make me understand why I’ve been through all of this and such a tough break up over a year ago.

Til then I guess I’ll continue to try and meet decent guys, who knows what could happen, I just hope it’s all for the positive as I can’t take much more hurt and sadness…

Waves of emotion

It’s been nearly a month since I last wrote. That’s mainly because work has been so busy and I’ve been doing really well, I feel I’m putting my all into my career at the moment and it’s paying off with my next promotion now due in January hopefully. The next month again will be hectic and important for me but it’s a good distraction.

I’m nearly back to square one on the love life front. R is still in my life and we are messaging lots but that’s all it is really, he’s been travelling for work lately so we will see when he’s back next month if we actually have a date finally rather than a drunken fumble. L I’ve not forgiven really since he cancelled on me and was with his mates not his family, I want someone who feels lucky to be with me so he’s a waste of space!

Since then I met someone on pof, ok he was younger and lives a bit far away but I gave it a go as he was lovely and different to the usuals online. We met half way and spent the day shopping, had lunch etc and I felt comfortable with him. But he’s had a troubled past and it showed with how he spoke to me over message sometimes and he shocked me at the weekend with his words so I’ve decided not to pursue that.

So now I nearly have a clean slate. I’ve decided to go on a date with someone who I have mutual friends with but haven’t met before. We live only a couple of minutes drive from eachother so that’s good but he is 6 years younger and has a young daughter, he’s so hot though so why not?! I haven’t had a really fun cocktail date in a while. Hope his hotness doesn’t throw me off though haha. That’s on Friday so wish me luck.

In other news I’ve been on sleeping tablets and anti depressants for nearly 3 weeks now and have my follow up doctors appointment on Friday afternoon. It’s hard to tell if they’ve helped or not yet as my emotions still come in waves and I’ve been distracted lots with work and going away with friends etc which helps a lot. I just want to meet someone that makes me feel special and who I adore so I can forget about my ex.

  

Stuck in the past

It’s been a little while. I genuinely was feeling happier and I don’t know what happened but I cannot shift my thoughts to the present and the future completely. I can’t get my ex out of my head and it’s the memories and fun times of everything we did together from concerts and just being silly to holidays and even the routine of coming home, having dinner, food shopping etc.

Things with M we’re going so well but he’s being so serious and won’t stop complimenting me when we are together. It’s too much and I don’t know what to do?! It’s my birthday on Monday and we have plans over the next few days but I’m not excited to see him right now.

My week in New York cannot come quick enough, I need the space and thinking time, I really do. But how can I move on?! I just don’t know what to do. Any advice?

  
I’m so excited to go away and for fun times in NYC even if nervous about travelling alone but only have a few days alone before meeting my friend I haven’t seen for 8 years! My out of office will be on in a day’s time 🙂 4 days til my bday and 6 days til nyc!

Will keep you all updated xxx

Saturday night struggles

So it’s rare im in alone on weekend nights but tonight it’s happening. I have my dog this weekend (who I share with my ex) so that’s why I’m in but also because friends are busy doing other things which means I can’t chat to anyone right now which is making me feel worse so I’m letting all my thoughts out here.

The past few weeks, as you will read from my last blog, have been a lot better for me and I’ve concentrated on planning things and looking forward. However the last few days I have struggled again, perhaps I’ll always experience these waves for a while, who knows?! I wish a year and a month later I could forget and stop reminicising but I can’t, even when I have someone else who really likes me around. I’m finding it so hard to forgive myself and so hard to forget the nearly 6 years we had together, it’s so damn hard! 

  
I’ve had quite a few dates with M now and he’s so lovely. Last weekend we went for tapas and then met with mutual friends who are a couple for drinks. It was such a nice evening and he asked me to be his girlfriend, obviously face to face I had to say yes but I wanted to aswell, I was really happy in that moment and it felt right, although we’ve only kissed a few times. Now I’m just waiting for us to move it to that next step and each day and date that passes more pressure is added and my interest will start to go unless it happens soon. I feel myself holding back and not completing opening up even though I should with him but it’s not happening and I do think it’s down to us not moving onto that next step. Tomorrow is the best opportunity we would’ve had so fingers crossed it happens finally! I’ll keep you updated. I’ve also removed POF and tinder from my phone as it was annoying me anyways with the losers on there but I feel I don’t need it now I’m with someone, I just hope I can move on with him as he is the perfect guy for me. I just need to really believe it deep down and somehow move on. How can I help myself move on?!