Turning a corner…

That’s right, my life has turned a positive corner for a number of reasons lately. I wish my grandma was here to share everything with but I know she’s looking down on me and smiling me and supporting me alon with my grandad. So what’s happened?!

House

Yes I’ve finally found my own place. Last Saturday I viewed it and I made my decision five minutes after leaving the viewing. I move in less than two weeks now, how exciting?! My own cute house with a lovely garden. My parents have been extremely supportive and generous during this process and have bought me new items for my house and given me money so I can afford to furnish the place with new items rather than second hand which I thought would be happening. I’ve needed my own space for a while now and after living back at home for just over two years the time has come, I honestly was worrying it wouldn’t happen then it happens so quickly. I couldn’t be happier. I’m packing now and surrounded by flat pack furniture boxes and boxes of my things, too exciting! I hope Charlie, my dog, will love the new place. The garden is perfect for him and safely enclosed so I’m sure he will. I just hope he settles quickly.

Love

I’ve been on two dates with a guy called Lee. We bonded over a mutual love of a band from our childhood online and met a few days later. He’s confident, hilarious, sarcastic, cute and hot…so far he seems like the guy I’ve been hoping to meet. We’ve had two fun dates and have our third tomorrow. I can’t wait to see him and he just messaged to say he’s looking forward to tomorrow and can’t wait to see me. I’m liking this one and we have a spark and I’ve got a really good feeling. Fingers and toes crossed for Lee and I! Also he lives less than a few minutes drive from my new house. Meant to be?! We shall see… I’m enjoying getting to know him before we have sex too.

Work

After being promoted again in April I’ve done well. Last week I managed my women’s executive programme also and did a great job. I’ve received a lot of positive feedback from everyone also so I’m happy. There’s a potential chance of a manager’s job b coming vacant in the next month or so also and my director is suggesting I go for it. I would never have thought about it just yet, maybe a year’s time but she’s given me the confidence to think I can do it and why not go for the interview?! She’s supporting me and will update me when she knows more about the potential vacancy.

So all in all it’s been positive for me and I’ve actually cried a few times from happiness and genuine happiness. I haven’t felt like this in so long, I literally cannot remember when I felt like this. It’s an odd feeling but a great one and one I want to hold on to. I’ll keep you updated! xoxo

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The right fish must be out there somewhere…

I’m still relying on online dating to find me the right match. Do I have hope?…No. So why do I do it? I have no idea! It passes time and I don’t really meet guys any other way apart from a drunken kiss in a bar/club and them being a lot younger than me.

I attract some right weird people, in life and online too, my friends didn’t believe I receive so many odd messages online so I logged in and the first two were…



Seriously?! 99.99999% of the time I get boring ‘hey’ messages or weird messages like the above. Another example:


What is wrong with guys today?! No I do not want to sit on your face all day long, aside from that being uncomfortable for you I have things to do plus you’re just gross!

I’ve changed my age range I search in now to 29-35 (I’m now 30) as I know I need to stop finding younger guys, it always happens, I’d like to meet a hot mature guy who knows what he wants in life. Apparently that’s way too much to ask for and he doesn’t seem to exist but I have to have a tiny bit of hope right?! It’s not like I’m expecting to meet anyone now and I feel I have a guard up from dealing with arseholes, I just hope my turn to be happy with someone comes sometime soon…

Life is funny, it scares me as you don’t know what’s around the corner – good or bad – and it’s been a bumpy year. I thought it’d be my year but now I have to hope 2017 will be. My 30s will be my decade!

Memories

It’s the memories and adventures that keep reminding me of how I felt at that moment in time and with my ex L. It’s been a year and a half now and it just doesn’t get much easier. He drove past me the other day and waved and I just broke down, something so simple can have such an effect on me.

It’s a new year and I’ve generally been feeling positive, even though I’ve been diagnosed with a chest infection but at least it’s not pneumonia like the doctor thought it could be originally, so even though I’ve been bed ridden the first week of the new year and signed off work with time to think I’ve actually been fairly positive. I’ve thought about holidays this year, days out, events and I’ve begun filling in my 2016 diary. But then a memory creeps in and it takes me back and makes me feel sad.

Something I’ve realised also is that because I did a lot with L and I spent 6 years with him he’s been most of my adult life as we met when 21/22 most of my experiences and best times have been with him. I’m worried this can affect dating and moving on as I obviously talk about places I’ve been, holidays I’ve been on, things I’ve done and they ask who I did that with etc and I say with my ex. But I suppose at this age people need to expect that.

I’m 30 this year, it’s a big year for me. I really want to find my own place but it’s so expensive around here and with a dog half the time it makes it incredibly difficult but I am determined. Once I know my new pay after my promotion is approved I’ll do a plan money wise and save and see what I can realistically afford so I can still do things too. In my own place I’d do a lot more in though too saving me money as I’d have my own space and can have friends, and dates, around for movie nights and drinks and games etc. I really want to make this happen this year. I have 8 months until I’m 30 to make this a reality.

In 2015 I’m proud of myself for not shutting myself away, for seeking medical help and counselling for depression and anxiety, for traveling to New York on my own and for continuing to battle on. 2016 I want to be my year and I want to look back on this at the end of the year and realise how much further I’ve come.

Here’s to trying to make new memories that won’t feature L and thinking about my new memories I’ll make this year and beyond…

Can’t handle this

I literally cannot handle the feeling of disappointment and hurt anymore. I can’t handle dating. It hurts too much. What am I supposed to do?!

I’ve had 2 official dates and 2 brief encounters with D in the last 2 weeks. We had our 1st date on Xmas eve other drinks in our local city bars then went back to his and I gave in to naughtiness. I’ve literally never got in with someone so well on a 1st date, so much in common and so much chat. Then we had our 2nd date Boxing Day night and I went to his with alcohol and games and we had more naughtiness and I just felt we were so compatible in every way. We got on, joked, laughed, flirted, had banter, had great sex etc.

So today I’ve suggested a couple of days in the next week to meet and he’s busy so fair enough. He then sent me the following: “can we just see how things go in the week? It would be good to meet again but can we just go with the flow?”

To meet that’s pretty much someone saying they don’t want to date anyone, how would you read into that? He’s literally the perfect guy so it’s understandably hurt me A LOT especially with all my recent emotions and I finally felt he could help me through this and I had a good feeling from the initial meeting with him. I’m so fed up of being the girl that guys are happy to have fun with, why not anything serious? I’m easygoing, fun, caring and have so much to give.

 Advice is needed please!

When will I be “someone special” to someone?

That’s the question that’s really been on my mind the last 24 hours more than ever. The reason being is that I thought I’d text a guy I had a night of fun with from a short while ago and he replied saying the reason he hasn’t been in touch is because he’s met someone special. Why couldn’t I have been that someone special and he give me that chance to be?!

Thinking back over 2015 it’s happened so much where guys want to date me and we have a great time but they don’t want a relationship. If they really like me as they say they do and enjoy my company etc then why can’t we try and be in a relationship? I really don’t understand guys. I’ll be 30 next step and time isn’t slowing down at all, it’s flying by, I feel I don’t have time to waste. 

I want to meet someone special. Someone that will make me forget about memories of my ex and my feelings for him. Someone that will hug me and make me feel safe. Someone that will kiss my forehead and that will tell me he cares. Someone who isn’t afraid of his feelings. Someone that will realise I am pretty special and would do anything for the right person.

I just can’t see it happening and as each day goes by and especially after every idiot I meet my hopes are fading, I really can’t imagine meeting him, the one who will make me happy again and make me understand why I’ve been through all of this and such a tough break up over a year ago.

Til then I guess I’ll continue to try and meet decent guys, who knows what could happen, I just hope it’s all for the positive as I can’t take much more hurt and sadness…

Waves of emotion

It’s been nearly a month since I last wrote. That’s mainly because work has been so busy and I’ve been doing really well, I feel I’m putting my all into my career at the moment and it’s paying off with my next promotion now due in January hopefully. The next month again will be hectic and important for me but it’s a good distraction.

I’m nearly back to square one on the love life front. R is still in my life and we are messaging lots but that’s all it is really, he’s been travelling for work lately so we will see when he’s back next month if we actually have a date finally rather than a drunken fumble. L I’ve not forgiven really since he cancelled on me and was with his mates not his family, I want someone who feels lucky to be with me so he’s a waste of space!

Since then I met someone on pof, ok he was younger and lives a bit far away but I gave it a go as he was lovely and different to the usuals online. We met half way and spent the day shopping, had lunch etc and I felt comfortable with him. But he’s had a troubled past and it showed with how he spoke to me over message sometimes and he shocked me at the weekend with his words so I’ve decided not to pursue that.

So now I nearly have a clean slate. I’ve decided to go on a date with someone who I have mutual friends with but haven’t met before. We live only a couple of minutes drive from eachother so that’s good but he is 6 years younger and has a young daughter, he’s so hot though so why not?! I haven’t had a really fun cocktail date in a while. Hope his hotness doesn’t throw me off though haha. That’s on Friday so wish me luck.

In other news I’ve been on sleeping tablets and anti depressants for nearly 3 weeks now and have my follow up doctors appointment on Friday afternoon. It’s hard to tell if they’ve helped or not yet as my emotions still come in waves and I’ve been distracted lots with work and going away with friends etc which helps a lot. I just want to meet someone that makes me feel special and who I adore so I can forget about my ex.

  

Tough day

I finally plucked up the courage and went to see the doctor today to discuss my emotions and anxiety and I’m so glad I did in a way, as soon as I got there I started crying and apologising for crying. The doctor was lovely and she said she can see how affected I am at the moment and has prescribed my anti depressants and sleeping tablets and I’m on the waiting list for counselling. It made me quite sad someone confirming it all though and I’ve felt quite down today about it. I’ve told my best friend but that’s it. I feel I should let others know in case my mood affects any friendships etc but I hate opening up.

I’m going to start my medication tomorrow and sleeping tablets from Sunday night. I have to see the doctor again in 3 wks to see how it’s going with the meds.

The rest of the day wasn’t too bad as I was cleaning and getting ready for my date with L tonight. As my parents are still away it was the last time I’d have a free house so I bought prosecco and snacks and he was due over around 7ish. An hour before he text saying he had a family meal to go to. I kind of expected some excuse to come up but was hoping that was me being silly but nope. So here I am drinking prosecco and eating popcorn watching burlesque alone on a Friday night. I’m trying not to cry as I did all my makeup etc and don’t want to waste tears on another guy! I haven’t responded to his last message as I’m too angry.

Why is it that the guys I fall for mess me about but the guys who fall for me I’m not interested in?! It’s super frustrating!