Cancer…f*** you!

Wow I can’t believe I haven’t written since January! I’ll provide an update of the last 7 months in time but for now I wanted to write about my struggle with dealing with the shock, sadness and anger that cancer of a loved one brings.

My grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 6 weeks ago in early June. From having pain for about a month and seeing the doctor lots and just getting more pills each time she finally had to go to a&e as the pain was so severe. After tests and scans we found out a few days later it was terminal cancer and due to the severity and her age there was nothing that could be done apart from give her pain relief to try and keep her comfortable. At this time we were told it could be 6 months she has left to live. Despite the shock and pain at the time grandma was still her usual jokey self and came home from hospital a few days later.

Over the past 6 weeks the family have witnessed her deteriorate at a rapid pace, slowly becoming unable to walk, eat or drink. As of today she is unable to talk, move or wake up. The last week or so has been the worst time of my life by far. The pain of watching someone, that means everything to you and someone that you love with all of your heart, slip away in front of you without you being able to do anything is the most heartbreaking thing ever. I’ve been a mess and cannot stop crying, I stopped visiting my grandma 2 days ago as I cannot handle it anymore. The image of her as a bag of bones and yellow and wasting away is one that will haunt me forever. He hasn’t woken up or moved for a few days now too and her breathing is not very regular. The doctor told us on Thursday that she could pass away anytime now. She’s tough and is hanging on in there though and is surprising us every hour she’s still here. 

I’m emotionally drained and exhausted. I’m not sleeping or eating that well and feel so low. I just want to curl up and not see anyone or speak to anyone. My depression is probably at the lowest it’s ever been. I’m worried for my mum too and really hope she will be ok as when my grandma passes it will hit her hard. She’s only cried twice in the last couple of days in front of me and I know this is going to be so so tough on her and she will struggle with her emotions.

It’s just a waiting game as it has been since we were told it’ll be a few days, which was 3 days ago, and I’m not prepared for when that news comes…



It’s the memories and adventures that keep reminding me of how I felt at that moment in time and with my ex L. It’s been a year and a half now and it just doesn’t get much easier. He drove past me the other day and waved and I just broke down, something so simple can have such an effect on me.

It’s a new year and I’ve generally been feeling positive, even though I’ve been diagnosed with a chest infection but at least it’s not pneumonia like the doctor thought it could be originally, so even though I’ve been bed ridden the first week of the new year and signed off work with time to think I’ve actually been fairly positive. I’ve thought about holidays this year, days out, events and I’ve begun filling in my 2016 diary. But then a memory creeps in and it takes me back and makes me feel sad.

Something I’ve realised also is that because I did a lot with L and I spent 6 years with him he’s been most of my adult life as we met when 21/22 most of my experiences and best times have been with him. I’m worried this can affect dating and moving on as I obviously talk about places I’ve been, holidays I’ve been on, things I’ve done and they ask who I did that with etc and I say with my ex. But I suppose at this age people need to expect that.

I’m 30 this year, it’s a big year for me. I really want to find my own place but it’s so expensive around here and with a dog half the time it makes it incredibly difficult but I am determined. Once I know my new pay after my promotion is approved I’ll do a plan money wise and save and see what I can realistically afford so I can still do things too. In my own place I’d do a lot more in though too saving me money as I’d have my own space and can have friends, and dates, around for movie nights and drinks and games etc. I really want to make this happen this year. I have 8 months until I’m 30 to make this a reality.

In 2015 I’m proud of myself for not shutting myself away, for seeking medical help and counselling for depression and anxiety, for traveling to New York on my own and for continuing to battle on. 2016 I want to be my year and I want to look back on this at the end of the year and realise how much further I’ve come.

Here’s to trying to make new memories that won’t feature L and thinking about my new memories I’ll make this year and beyond…

Lay off the alcohol

I’m sure everyone thinks this at this time of year after the festive period and socialness of it all but I’m thinking in general. I feel I’ve been relying on alcohol a lot to make me temporarily happy but I binge drink and always get sooo drunk I don’t remember most of my fun nights out. Then I have a 2 day hangover and sore feet! I’m not saying at nearly 30 I’m too old to keep doing this at all as I’m not but maybe I need to cut back. Also the amount I’m spending I could be saving towards my place I want sometime this year.

I need to start thinking of priorities. I need to find other ways of having fun without getting wrecked.

I have so many thoughts going through my head…due to many reasons but including:

  • It’s a new year and I need to make some changes in my life…small but still changes that will lead to big changes eventually to better myself and my life
  • Need to sort out my debt issues and start saving and paying them off more than I am
  • I’m currently ill with a chest infection and possible pneumonia so I’ve got plenty of time to think
  • I want to make my parents and family proud of me in all aspects of my life and prove I have my shit together once again

I’m feeling positive that I can do this so hopefully this thought stays with me! All of these will help me with my depression and help me to learn to love myself again then who knows maybe I’ll meet the right guy who will truly love me…here’s to 2016! 

Can’t handle this

I literally cannot handle the feeling of disappointment and hurt anymore. I can’t handle dating. It hurts too much. What am I supposed to do?!

I’ve had 2 official dates and 2 brief encounters with D in the last 2 weeks. We had our 1st date on Xmas eve other drinks in our local city bars then went back to his and I gave in to naughtiness. I’ve literally never got in with someone so well on a 1st date, so much in common and so much chat. Then we had our 2nd date Boxing Day night and I went to his with alcohol and games and we had more naughtiness and I just felt we were so compatible in every way. We got on, joked, laughed, flirted, had banter, had great sex etc.

So today I’ve suggested a couple of days in the next week to meet and he’s busy so fair enough. He then sent me the following: “can we just see how things go in the week? It would be good to meet again but can we just go with the flow?”

To meet that’s pretty much someone saying they don’t want to date anyone, how would you read into that? He’s literally the perfect guy so it’s understandably hurt me A LOT especially with all my recent emotions and I finally felt he could help me through this and I had a good feeling from the initial meeting with him. I’m so fed up of being the girl that guys are happy to have fun with, why not anything serious? I’m easygoing, fun, caring and have so much to give.

 Advice is needed please!

Christmas sadness

I really didn’t want to feel sad today and hoped I wouldn’t but it’s happened.

Christmas Day started well with walking the dogs over the fields with my parents and opening lots of presents then having a nice pub lunch with some of the family. After that I napped and then my dad annoyed me, the one thing I wanted to watch on tv today he got funny about as it would mean he missed one of the many soaps on! After that we had a cocktail and some buffet food and my parents got sucked into the tv, watched soaps and downton, and didn’t want to socialise or play games at all. So I was sat there bored on my phone with no one to speak to or have fun with.

It’s my first year being single in 9 years and it’s a struggle. I’m used to being around others and a bigger family so it makes me sad seeing friends put up pics with big families and children etc as I want that so bad and miss that a lot. Is it too much to ask that Christmas Day doesn’t revolve around the tv. It’s pretty sad I haven’t been able to play games, be social and have fun this year. I really can’t stay in for NYE so am now desperate to make plans. This is not helping me and my depression. I need to make things better than waste time feeling like this…life is too short!

Merry Christmas all and I hope you’ve all had a wonderful time xoxo


It’s strange when a song you’ve known for a while suddenly means a lot when you really listen to the lyrics. This happened to me today with Labrinth’s song Jealous. In specific it’s the line “I’m jealous of the way, you’re happy without me.” My ex keeps putting up statuses and pics on Facebook with his girlfriend and it hurts as he never ever put up anything to do with me over 6 years!
Anyways my counselling session went well I think. It was tough opening up finally and I did keep breaking a little but I hope this space to be able to talk and let my feeling out will help. I have 45minutes once a week until the start of January. I had my second session today and found it tough again but the counsellor does suggest things and recap and helps me make sense of some things I’m feeling/saying. It’s good to get it all out and really think about it and get advice from an outsider. It’s the forgiveness I’m struggling with and the feeling that I’d hurt someone else or I’ll be hurt myself and that I close up now. Also that I feel stuck in a rut with my living situation and moving into my own place would be the best thing for me but that’s not possible for the immediate future unfortunately due to money etc.

Christmas is round the corner now and I’m so not ready or wanting it to come this year. Shame as I love it usually but dreading nearly 2 wks off plus I have no new year plans 😦 it’s going to be pretty tough this year. First single one since I was 20 so 9 years! Xoxo