It’s the memories and adventures that keep reminding me of how I felt at that moment in time and with my ex L. It’s been a year and a half now and it just doesn’t get much easier. He drove past me the other day and waved and I just broke down, something so simple can have such an effect on me.

It’s a new year and I’ve generally been feeling positive, even though I’ve been diagnosed with a chest infection but at least it’s not pneumonia like the doctor thought it could be originally, so even though I’ve been bed ridden the first week of the new year and signed off work with time to think I’ve actually been fairly positive. I’ve thought about holidays this year, days out, events and I’ve begun filling in my 2016 diary. But then a memory creeps in and it takes me back and makes me feel sad.

Something I’ve realised also is that because I did a lot with L and I spent 6 years with him he’s been most of my adult life as we met when 21/22 most of my experiences and best times have been with him. I’m worried this can affect dating and moving on as I obviously talk about places I’ve been, holidays I’ve been on, things I’ve done and they ask who I did that with etc and I say with my ex. But I suppose at this age people need to expect that.

I’m 30 this year, it’s a big year for me. I really want to find my own place but it’s so expensive around here and with a dog half the time it makes it incredibly difficult but I am determined. Once I know my new pay after my promotion is approved I’ll do a plan money wise and save and see what I can realistically afford so I can still do things too. In my own place I’d do a lot more in though too saving me money as I’d have my own space and can have friends, and dates, around for movie nights and drinks and games etc. I really want to make this happen this year. I have 8 months until I’m 30 to make this a reality.

In 2015 I’m proud of myself for not shutting myself away, for seeking medical help and counselling for depression and anxiety, for traveling to New York on my own and for continuing to battle on. 2016 I want to be my year and I want to look back on this at the end of the year and realise how much further I’ve come.

Here’s to trying to make new memories that won’t feature L and thinking about my new memories I’ll make this year and beyond…


Christmas sadness

I really didn’t want to feel sad today and hoped I wouldn’t but it’s happened.

Christmas Day started well with walking the dogs over the fields with my parents and opening lots of presents then having a nice pub lunch with some of the family. After that I napped and then my dad annoyed me, the one thing I wanted to watch on tv today he got funny about as it would mean he missed one of the many soaps on! After that we had a cocktail and some buffet food and my parents got sucked into the tv, watched soaps and downton, and didn’t want to socialise or play games at all. So I was sat there bored on my phone with no one to speak to or have fun with.

It’s my first year being single in 9 years and it’s a struggle. I’m used to being around others and a bigger family so it makes me sad seeing friends put up pics with big families and children etc as I want that so bad and miss that a lot. Is it too much to ask that Christmas Day doesn’t revolve around the tv. It’s pretty sad I haven’t been able to play games, be social and have fun this year. I really can’t stay in for NYE so am now desperate to make plans. This is not helping me and my depression. I need to make things better than waste time feeling like this…life is too short!

Merry Christmas all and I hope you’ve all had a wonderful time xoxo

Looking forwards and smiling…

Looking forwards is tough but must be done to move on and be happy. Sorry for the radio silence lately. I’ve felt slightly happier which is obviously a positive thing for me after the tough year. 
With nyc planning, sunshine and a few dates with the guy I knew from school it’s been a good couple of weeks. I’m proud of myself for booking the trip and even though it’s scary as I’ll spend the first 2-3 days alone I think it’s going to be the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. And why not do it when I might not have another opportunity of solo travelling. I can’t wait to see my friend after 8 years too when I meet up with her for the last 4 days. Broadway, sightseeing, cocktails, shopping and fun times! 40 days… Countdown! Now the challenge to save up and hopefully I’ll get lots of dollars for my birthday to spend.

Dating-wise I’ve had 3 dates with M and it’s really nice. I’ve debated with myself whether I’m ready for a full blown relationship as I think it will end up going that way but feel I need to give it a go and fully move on. He’s so genuinely nice and honest which is so refreshing and we get on well and he gets on well with my dog. He’s invited me round to his Saturday daytime with my dog to chill so watch this space…

I’ve also gone from blonde to brunette really and have received lots of compliments from people at work and at home, new identity, new me, new life! 

Any tips on nyc solo travelling would be appreciated 🙂 xoxo