Turning a corner…

That’s right, my life has turned a positive corner for a number of reasons lately. I wish my grandma was here to share everything with but I know she’s looking down on me and smiling me and supporting me alon with my grandad. So what’s happened?!

House

Yes I’ve finally found my own place. Last Saturday I viewed it and I made my decision five minutes after leaving the viewing. I move in less than two weeks now, how exciting?! My own cute house with a lovely garden. My parents have been extremely supportive and generous during this process and have bought me new items for my house and given me money so I can afford to furnish the place with new items rather than second hand which I thought would be happening. I’ve needed my own space for a while now and after living back at home for just over two years the time has come, I honestly was worrying it wouldn’t happen then it happens so quickly. I couldn’t be happier. I’m packing now and surrounded by flat pack furniture boxes and boxes of my things, too exciting! I hope Charlie, my dog, will love the new place. The garden is perfect for him and safely enclosed so I’m sure he will. I just hope he settles quickly.

Love

I’ve been on two dates with a guy called Lee. We bonded over a mutual love of a band from our childhood online and met a few days later. He’s confident, hilarious, sarcastic, cute and hot…so far he seems like the guy I’ve been hoping to meet. We’ve had two fun dates and have our third tomorrow. I can’t wait to see him and he just messaged to say he’s looking forward to tomorrow and can’t wait to see me. I’m liking this one and we have a spark and I’ve got a really good feeling. Fingers and toes crossed for Lee and I! Also he lives less than a few minutes drive from my new house. Meant to be?! We shall see… I’m enjoying getting to know him before we have sex too.

Work

After being promoted again in April I’ve done well. Last week I managed my women’s executive programme also and did a great job. I’ve received a lot of positive feedback from everyone also so I’m happy. There’s a potential chance of a manager’s job b coming vacant in the next month or so also and my director is suggesting I go for it. I would never have thought about it just yet, maybe a year’s time but she’s given me the confidence to think I can do it and why not go for the interview?! She’s supporting me and will update me when she knows more about the potential vacancy.

So all in all it’s been positive for me and I’ve actually cried a few times from happiness and genuine happiness. I haven’t felt like this in so long, I literally cannot remember when I felt like this. It’s an odd feeling but a great one and one I want to hold on to. I’ll keep you updated! xoxo

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Memories

It’s the memories and adventures that keep reminding me of how I felt at that moment in time and with my ex L. It’s been a year and a half now and it just doesn’t get much easier. He drove past me the other day and waved and I just broke down, something so simple can have such an effect on me.

It’s a new year and I’ve generally been feeling positive, even though I’ve been diagnosed with a chest infection but at least it’s not pneumonia like the doctor thought it could be originally, so even though I’ve been bed ridden the first week of the new year and signed off work with time to think I’ve actually been fairly positive. I’ve thought about holidays this year, days out, events and I’ve begun filling in my 2016 diary. But then a memory creeps in and it takes me back and makes me feel sad.

Something I’ve realised also is that because I did a lot with L and I spent 6 years with him he’s been most of my adult life as we met when 21/22 most of my experiences and best times have been with him. I’m worried this can affect dating and moving on as I obviously talk about places I’ve been, holidays I’ve been on, things I’ve done and they ask who I did that with etc and I say with my ex. But I suppose at this age people need to expect that.

I’m 30 this year, it’s a big year for me. I really want to find my own place but it’s so expensive around here and with a dog half the time it makes it incredibly difficult but I am determined. Once I know my new pay after my promotion is approved I’ll do a plan money wise and save and see what I can realistically afford so I can still do things too. In my own place I’d do a lot more in though too saving me money as I’d have my own space and can have friends, and dates, around for movie nights and drinks and games etc. I really want to make this happen this year. I have 8 months until I’m 30 to make this a reality.

In 2015 I’m proud of myself for not shutting myself away, for seeking medical help and counselling for depression and anxiety, for traveling to New York on my own and for continuing to battle on. 2016 I want to be my year and I want to look back on this at the end of the year and realise how much further I’ve come.

Here’s to trying to make new memories that won’t feature L and thinking about my new memories I’ll make this year and beyond…

Lay off the alcohol

I’m sure everyone thinks this at this time of year after the festive period and socialness of it all but I’m thinking in general. I feel I’ve been relying on alcohol a lot to make me temporarily happy but I binge drink and always get sooo drunk I don’t remember most of my fun nights out. Then I have a 2 day hangover and sore feet! I’m not saying at nearly 30 I’m too old to keep doing this at all as I’m not but maybe I need to cut back. Also the amount I’m spending I could be saving towards my place I want sometime this year.

I need to start thinking of priorities. I need to find other ways of having fun without getting wrecked.

I have so many thoughts going through my head…due to many reasons but including:

  • It’s a new year and I need to make some changes in my life…small but still changes that will lead to big changes eventually to better myself and my life
  • Need to sort out my debt issues and start saving and paying them off more than I am
  • I’m currently ill with a chest infection and possible pneumonia so I’ve got plenty of time to think
  • I want to make my parents and family proud of me in all aspects of my life and prove I have my shit together once again

I’m feeling positive that I can do this so hopefully this thought stays with me! All of these will help me with my depression and help me to learn to love myself again then who knows maybe I’ll meet the right guy who will truly love me…here’s to 2016! 

When will I be “someone special” to someone?

That’s the question that’s really been on my mind the last 24 hours more than ever. The reason being is that I thought I’d text a guy I had a night of fun with from a short while ago and he replied saying the reason he hasn’t been in touch is because he’s met someone special. Why couldn’t I have been that someone special and he give me that chance to be?!

Thinking back over 2015 it’s happened so much where guys want to date me and we have a great time but they don’t want a relationship. If they really like me as they say they do and enjoy my company etc then why can’t we try and be in a relationship? I really don’t understand guys. I’ll be 30 next step and time isn’t slowing down at all, it’s flying by, I feel I don’t have time to waste. 

I want to meet someone special. Someone that will make me forget about memories of my ex and my feelings for him. Someone that will hug me and make me feel safe. Someone that will kiss my forehead and that will tell me he cares. Someone who isn’t afraid of his feelings. Someone that will realise I am pretty special and would do anything for the right person.

I just can’t see it happening and as each day goes by and especially after every idiot I meet my hopes are fading, I really can’t imagine meeting him, the one who will make me happy again and make me understand why I’ve been through all of this and such a tough break up over a year ago.

Til then I guess I’ll continue to try and meet decent guys, who knows what could happen, I just hope it’s all for the positive as I can’t take much more hurt and sadness…