Cancer…f*** you!

Wow I can’t believe I haven’t written since January! I’ll provide an update of the last 7 months in time but for now I wanted to write about my struggle with dealing with the shock, sadness and anger that cancer of a loved one brings.

My grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 6 weeks ago in early June. From having pain for about a month and seeing the doctor lots and just getting more pills each time she finally had to go to a&e as the pain was so severe. After tests and scans we found out a few days later it was terminal cancer and due to the severity and her age there was nothing that could be done apart from give her pain relief to try and keep her comfortable. At this time we were told it could be 6 months she has left to live. Despite the shock and pain at the time grandma was still her usual jokey self and came home from hospital a few days later.

Over the past 6 weeks the family have witnessed her deteriorate at a rapid pace, slowly becoming unable to walk, eat or drink. As of today she is unable to talk, move or wake up. The last week or so has been the worst time of my life by far. The pain of watching someone, that means everything to you and someone that you love with all of your heart, slip away in front of you without you being able to do anything is the most heartbreaking thing ever. I’ve been a mess and cannot stop crying, I stopped visiting my grandma 2 days ago as I cannot handle it anymore. The image of her as a bag of bones and yellow and wasting away is one that will haunt me forever. He hasn’t woken up or moved for a few days now too and her breathing is not very regular. The doctor told us on Thursday that she could pass away anytime now. She’s tough and is hanging on in there though and is surprising us every hour she’s still here. 

I’m emotionally drained and exhausted. I’m not sleeping or eating that well and feel so low. I just want to curl up and not see anyone or speak to anyone. My depression is probably at the lowest it’s ever been. I’m worried for my mum too and really hope she will be ok as when my grandma passes it will hit her hard. She’s only cried twice in the last couple of days in front of me and I know this is going to be so so tough on her and she will struggle with her emotions.

It’s just a waiting game as it has been since we were told it’ll be a few days, which was 3 days ago, and I’m not prepared for when that news comes…