Cancer…f*** you!

Wow I can’t believe I haven’t written since January! I’ll provide an update of the last 7 months in time but for now I wanted to write about my struggle with dealing with the shock, sadness and anger that cancer of a loved one brings.

My grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 6 weeks ago in early June. From having pain for about a month and seeing the doctor lots and just getting more pills each time she finally had to go to a&e as the pain was so severe. After tests and scans we found out a few days later it was terminal cancer and due to the severity and her age there was nothing that could be done apart from give her pain relief to try and keep her comfortable. At this time we were told it could be 6 months she has left to live. Despite the shock and pain at the time grandma was still her usual jokey self and came home from hospital a few days later.

Over the past 6 weeks the family have witnessed her deteriorate at a rapid pace, slowly becoming unable to walk, eat or drink. As of today she is unable to talk, move or wake up. The last week or so has been the worst time of my life by far. The pain of watching someone, that means everything to you and someone that you love with all of your heart, slip away in front of you without you being able to do anything is the most heartbreaking thing ever. I’ve been a mess and cannot stop crying, I stopped visiting my grandma 2 days ago as I cannot handle it anymore. The image of her as a bag of bones and yellow and wasting away is one that will haunt me forever. He hasn’t woken up or moved for a few days now too and her breathing is not very regular. The doctor told us on Thursday that she could pass away anytime now. She’s tough and is hanging on in there though and is surprising us every hour she’s still here. 

I’m emotionally drained and exhausted. I’m not sleeping or eating that well and feel so low. I just want to curl up and not see anyone or speak to anyone. My depression is probably at the lowest it’s ever been. I’m worried for my mum too and really hope she will be ok as when my grandma passes it will hit her hard. She’s only cried twice in the last couple of days in front of me and I know this is going to be so so tough on her and she will struggle with her emotions.

It’s just a waiting game as it has been since we were told it’ll be a few days, which was 3 days ago, and I’m not prepared for when that news comes…

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Lay off the alcohol

I’m sure everyone thinks this at this time of year after the festive period and socialness of it all but I’m thinking in general. I feel I’ve been relying on alcohol a lot to make me temporarily happy but I binge drink and always get sooo drunk I don’t remember most of my fun nights out. Then I have a 2 day hangover and sore feet! I’m not saying at nearly 30 I’m too old to keep doing this at all as I’m not but maybe I need to cut back. Also the amount I’m spending I could be saving towards my place I want sometime this year.

I need to start thinking of priorities. I need to find other ways of having fun without getting wrecked.

I have so many thoughts going through my head…due to many reasons but including:

  • It’s a new year and I need to make some changes in my life…small but still changes that will lead to big changes eventually to better myself and my life
  • Need to sort out my debt issues and start saving and paying them off more than I am
  • I’m currently ill with a chest infection and possible pneumonia so I’ve got plenty of time to think
  • I want to make my parents and family proud of me in all aspects of my life and prove I have my shit together once again

I’m feeling positive that I can do this so hopefully this thought stays with me! All of these will help me with my depression and help me to learn to love myself again then who knows maybe I’ll meet the right guy who will truly love me…here’s to 2016!