Memories

It’s the memories and adventures that keep reminding me of how I felt at that moment in time and with my ex L. It’s been a year and a half now and it just doesn’t get much easier. He drove past me the other day and waved and I just broke down, something so simple can have such an effect on me.

It’s a new year and I’ve generally been feeling positive, even though I’ve been diagnosed with a chest infection but at least it’s not pneumonia like the doctor thought it could be originally, so even though I’ve been bed ridden the first week of the new year and signed off work with time to think I’ve actually been fairly positive. I’ve thought about holidays this year, days out, events and I’ve begun filling in my 2016 diary. But then a memory creeps in and it takes me back and makes me feel sad.

Something I’ve realised also is that because I did a lot with L and I spent 6 years with him he’s been most of my adult life as we met when 21/22 most of my experiences and best times have been with him. I’m worried this can affect dating and moving on as I obviously talk about places I’ve been, holidays I’ve been on, things I’ve done and they ask who I did that with etc and I say with my ex. But I suppose at this age people need to expect that.

I’m 30 this year, it’s a big year for me. I really want to find my own place but it’s so expensive around here and with a dog half the time it makes it incredibly difficult but I am determined. Once I know my new pay after my promotion is approved I’ll do a plan money wise and save and see what I can realistically afford so I can still do things too. In my own place I’d do a lot more in though too saving me money as I’d have my own space and can have friends, and dates, around for movie nights and drinks and games etc. I really want to make this happen this year. I have 8 months until I’m 30 to make this a reality.

In 2015 I’m proud of myself for not shutting myself away, for seeking medical help and counselling for depression and anxiety, for traveling to New York on my own and for continuing to battle on. 2016 I want to be my year and I want to look back on this at the end of the year and realise how much further I’ve come.

Here’s to trying to make new memories that won’t feature L and thinking about my new memories I’ll make this year and beyond…

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Saturday night struggles

So it’s rare im in alone on weekend nights but tonight it’s happening. I have my dog this weekend (who I share with my ex) so that’s why I’m in but also because friends are busy doing other things which means I can’t chat to anyone right now which is making me feel worse so I’m letting all my thoughts out here.

The past few weeks, as you will read from my last blog, have been a lot better for me and I’ve concentrated on planning things and looking forward. However the last few days I have struggled again, perhaps I’ll always experience these waves for a while, who knows?! I wish a year and a month later I could forget and stop reminicising but I can’t, even when I have someone else who really likes me around. I’m finding it so hard to forgive myself and so hard to forget the nearly 6 years we had together, it’s so damn hard! 

  
I’ve had quite a few dates with M now and he’s so lovely. Last weekend we went for tapas and then met with mutual friends who are a couple for drinks. It was such a nice evening and he asked me to be his girlfriend, obviously face to face I had to say yes but I wanted to aswell, I was really happy in that moment and it felt right, although we’ve only kissed a few times. Now I’m just waiting for us to move it to that next step and each day and date that passes more pressure is added and my interest will start to go unless it happens soon. I feel myself holding back and not completing opening up even though I should with him but it’s not happening and I do think it’s down to us not moving onto that next step. Tomorrow is the best opportunity we would’ve had so fingers crossed it happens finally! I’ll keep you updated. I’ve also removed POF and tinder from my phone as it was annoying me anyways with the losers on there but I feel I don’t need it now I’m with someone, I just hope I can move on with him as he is the perfect guy for me. I just need to really believe it deep down and somehow move on. How can I help myself move on?!