Memories

It’s the memories and adventures that keep reminding me of how I felt at that moment in time and with my ex L. It’s been a year and a half now and it just doesn’t get much easier. He drove past me the other day and waved and I just broke down, something so simple can have such an effect on me.

It’s a new year and I’ve generally been feeling positive, even though I’ve been diagnosed with a chest infection but at least it’s not pneumonia like the doctor thought it could be originally, so even though I’ve been bed ridden the first week of the new year and signed off work with time to think I’ve actually been fairly positive. I’ve thought about holidays this year, days out, events and I’ve begun filling in my 2016 diary. But then a memory creeps in and it takes me back and makes me feel sad.

Something I’ve realised also is that because I did a lot with L and I spent 6 years with him he’s been most of my adult life as we met when 21/22 most of my experiences and best times have been with him. I’m worried this can affect dating and moving on as I obviously talk about places I’ve been, holidays I’ve been on, things I’ve done and they ask who I did that with etc and I say with my ex. But I suppose at this age people need to expect that.

I’m 30 this year, it’s a big year for me. I really want to find my own place but it’s so expensive around here and with a dog half the time it makes it incredibly difficult but I am determined. Once I know my new pay after my promotion is approved I’ll do a plan money wise and save and see what I can realistically afford so I can still do things too. In my own place I’d do a lot more in though too saving me money as I’d have my own space and can have friends, and dates, around for movie nights and drinks and games etc. I really want to make this happen this year. I have 8 months until I’m 30 to make this a reality.

In 2015 I’m proud of myself for not shutting myself away, for seeking medical help and counselling for depression and anxiety, for traveling to New York on my own and for continuing to battle on. 2016 I want to be my year and I want to look back on this at the end of the year and realise how much further I’ve come.

Here’s to trying to make new memories that won’t feature L and thinking about my new memories I’ll make this year and beyond…

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Needing to move on

 It’s been nearly a year and half since my ex L and I broke up. He has his one year anniversary with his girlfriend at the weekend which was tough. I can’t believe how quick that time has gone but also can’t believe they’re still together. Now they’ve just booked a holiday to America and are going to Vegas which was a special place for L and I so I’m hurting he is now taking her there as I never thought he would because of the memories we had there. It sucks!

I found this quote tonight and it is completely perfect for me right now. I miss all and I miss our life together. I miss the closeness and him being my best friend who I felt myself around. I’m finding it so hard to be happy and love myself and keep going out and getting drunk and meeting random guys. I long to meet someone who will love me for me and someone I can have fun with…where is this guy?!

My hope is fading to be honest and I’m at the point I can’t imagine meeting someone and being able to move on completely. I want it to happen though, I really do.

 

Stuck in the past

It’s been a little while. I genuinely was feeling happier and I don’t know what happened but I cannot shift my thoughts to the present and the future completely. I can’t get my ex out of my head and it’s the memories and fun times of everything we did together from concerts and just being silly to holidays and even the routine of coming home, having dinner, food shopping etc.

Things with M we’re going so well but he’s being so serious and won’t stop complimenting me when we are together. It’s too much and I don’t know what to do?! It’s my birthday on Monday and we have plans over the next few days but I’m not excited to see him right now.

My week in New York cannot come quick enough, I need the space and thinking time, I really do. But how can I move on?! I just don’t know what to do. Any advice?

  
I’m so excited to go away and for fun times in NYC even if nervous about travelling alone but only have a few days alone before meeting my friend I haven’t seen for 8 years! My out of office will be on in a day’s time 🙂 4 days til my bday and 6 days til nyc!

Will keep you all updated xxx

Saturday night struggles

So it’s rare im in alone on weekend nights but tonight it’s happening. I have my dog this weekend (who I share with my ex) so that’s why I’m in but also because friends are busy doing other things which means I can’t chat to anyone right now which is making me feel worse so I’m letting all my thoughts out here.

The past few weeks, as you will read from my last blog, have been a lot better for me and I’ve concentrated on planning things and looking forward. However the last few days I have struggled again, perhaps I’ll always experience these waves for a while, who knows?! I wish a year and a month later I could forget and stop reminicising but I can’t, even when I have someone else who really likes me around. I’m finding it so hard to forgive myself and so hard to forget the nearly 6 years we had together, it’s so damn hard! 

  
I’ve had quite a few dates with M now and he’s so lovely. Last weekend we went for tapas and then met with mutual friends who are a couple for drinks. It was such a nice evening and he asked me to be his girlfriend, obviously face to face I had to say yes but I wanted to aswell, I was really happy in that moment and it felt right, although we’ve only kissed a few times. Now I’m just waiting for us to move it to that next step and each day and date that passes more pressure is added and my interest will start to go unless it happens soon. I feel myself holding back and not completing opening up even though I should with him but it’s not happening and I do think it’s down to us not moving onto that next step. Tomorrow is the best opportunity we would’ve had so fingers crossed it happens finally! I’ll keep you updated. I’ve also removed POF and tinder from my phone as it was annoying me anyways with the losers on there but I feel I don’t need it now I’m with someone, I just hope I can move on with him as he is the perfect guy for me. I just need to really believe it deep down and somehow move on. How can I help myself move on?!

Looking forwards and smiling…

Looking forwards is tough but must be done to move on and be happy. Sorry for the radio silence lately. I’ve felt slightly happier which is obviously a positive thing for me after the tough year. 
With nyc planning, sunshine and a few dates with the guy I knew from school it’s been a good couple of weeks. I’m proud of myself for booking the trip and even though it’s scary as I’ll spend the first 2-3 days alone I think it’s going to be the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. And why not do it when I might not have another opportunity of solo travelling. I can’t wait to see my friend after 8 years too when I meet up with her for the last 4 days. Broadway, sightseeing, cocktails, shopping and fun times! 40 days… Countdown! Now the challenge to save up and hopefully I’ll get lots of dollars for my birthday to spend.

Dating-wise I’ve had 3 dates with M and it’s really nice. I’ve debated with myself whether I’m ready for a full blown relationship as I think it will end up going that way but feel I need to give it a go and fully move on. He’s so genuinely nice and honest which is so refreshing and we get on well and he gets on well with my dog. He’s invited me round to his Saturday daytime with my dog to chill so watch this space…

I’ve also gone from blonde to brunette really and have received lots of compliments from people at work and at home, new identity, new me, new life! 

Any tips on nyc solo travelling would be appreciated 🙂 xoxo

  
  

 

His birthday and our anniversary

So today is my ex’s birthday and what would’ve been our 7 year anniversary. It’s a tough day! I’m here nursing a 2 day hangover from a heavy weekend in Manchester visiting uni friends and he’s off sunning himself up abroad with his new girlfriend. So obviously she’s posting a million things on facebook like always. It’s like she’s a teenager the way she does it and I know it’s just to rub it in my face. He’s also bought her a Swarovski bracelet, it’s his birthday, whys he buying her such a gift!? But of course she had to put up a soppy status and photo. Eurgh. 

I wrote on his wall saying happy birthday and hope he’s having a nice holiday and said that Charlie (our dog) wishes his daddy a happy birthday and he only went and deleted it. Most likely she kicked off and as he has no balls anymore and she’s got him wrapped around her finger he does whatever to please her. So frustrating and just plain rude! So rude and I’m so angry. I had a bit of a meltdown when I realised and my dog ran over to me and jumped on me and licked my face then lay like a baby in my arms and fell asleep. He never does that and it made me cry more as it was just so cute and I’m glad that comfort.

Anyways I’m now off to the gym for a personal trainer session to induct me on some of the machines I never use that look complicated and I have so many emotions so will put that into my work out.

I hate feeling like this and can’t wait to be happy again I really can’t but I just can’t see it happening. I have temporary moments of happiness when I have a night out planned or weekend away then afterwards is so hard as the excitement leading up the those events has passed and everything comes crashing down on me again.

Xoxo