Memories

It’s the memories and adventures that keep reminding me of how I felt at that moment in time and with my ex L. It’s been a year and a half now and it just doesn’t get much easier. He drove past me the other day and waved and I just broke down, something so simple can have such an effect on me.

It’s a new year and I’ve generally been feeling positive, even though I’ve been diagnosed with a chest infection but at least it’s not pneumonia like the doctor thought it could be originally, so even though I’ve been bed ridden the first week of the new year and signed off work with time to think I’ve actually been fairly positive. I’ve thought about holidays this year, days out, events and I’ve begun filling in my 2016 diary. But then a memory creeps in and it takes me back and makes me feel sad.

Something I’ve realised also is that because I did a lot with L and I spent 6 years with him he’s been most of my adult life as we met when 21/22 most of my experiences and best times have been with him. I’m worried this can affect dating and moving on as I obviously talk about places I’ve been, holidays I’ve been on, things I’ve done and they ask who I did that with etc and I say with my ex. But I suppose at this age people need to expect that.

I’m 30 this year, it’s a big year for me. I really want to find my own place but it’s so expensive around here and with a dog half the time it makes it incredibly difficult but I am determined. Once I know my new pay after my promotion is approved I’ll do a plan money wise and save and see what I can realistically afford so I can still do things too. In my own place I’d do a lot more in though too saving me money as I’d have my own space and can have friends, and dates, around for movie nights and drinks and games etc. I really want to make this happen this year. I have 8 months until I’m 30 to make this a reality.

In 2015 I’m proud of myself for not shutting myself away, for seeking medical help and counselling for depression and anxiety, for traveling to New York on my own and for continuing to battle on. 2016 I want to be my year and I want to look back on this at the end of the year and realise how much further I’ve come.

Here’s to trying to make new memories that won’t feature L and thinking about my new memories I’ll make this year and beyond…

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Needing to move on

 It’s been nearly a year and half since my ex L and I broke up. He has his one year anniversary with his girlfriend at the weekend which was tough. I can’t believe how quick that time has gone but also can’t believe they’re still together. Now they’ve just booked a holiday to America and are going to Vegas which was a special place for L and I so I’m hurting he is now taking her there as I never thought he would because of the memories we had there. It sucks!

I found this quote tonight and it is completely perfect for me right now. I miss all and I miss our life together. I miss the closeness and him being my best friend who I felt myself around. I’m finding it so hard to be happy and love myself and keep going out and getting drunk and meeting random guys. I long to meet someone who will love me for me and someone I can have fun with…where is this guy?!

My hope is fading to be honest and I’m at the point I can’t imagine meeting someone and being able to move on completely. I want it to happen though, I really do.

 

Where will I meet him?

The one who will help me forget my feelings for my ex, the one who will truly care for me and treat me well and the one I can fall for and laugh with daily… Where is he?

So far he’s certainly not been online, in clubs/bars, work or the gym. Should I take up a new hobby or venture to new places!? But then that wouldn’t be me and I’d be going places or doing things I wouldn’t normally do or might not have a high interest in just to meet someone.

Sometimes there is some eye candy in the gym but who really meets someone there? How would you start a conversation or approach someone? No one wants to be chatted up when all sweaty and in a routine of working out do they? I’d probably fall off the machine and be clumsy if someone did that anyways haha, that’s the girl in me!

I want to have that feeling when you first meet a someone you really like the look of and someone who likes to have fun and get to know you. I want to feel that click again!

 Patience  is running away I feel. Other things are getting me down at the moment from finances to home situation to holiday plans and friends so it’s difficult to stay positive. That’s why I’m here though as I’m hoping by getting feelings out in the way of a blog I’ll feel a bit lighter and relieved.

I’m off to Manchester on Friday to visit a couple of crazy uni friends and it’s so needed. Comedy night on Friday followed by a mad uni style night out on Saturday, it’s going to be messy and lots of dancing and shots. Perfect and just what I need right now! Bring it on!

Moving on and forgiveness

So here I am trying to move on and scrolling through the dating sites on a daily basis but behind all of that I’m struggling…struggling to forgive myself and struggling to move on.

  
I came out of a 6 year relationship a year ago and as all the feelings from last year are flooding back so are the thoughts and moments I find hard to forget and forgive. Moments of forgiveness for myself. My ex wasn’t an angel in our relationship and it was rocky for some time with various issues but he was my best friend so we should’ve worked harder at it and seen a counsellor and fought for us. Unfortunately I enjoyed attention from elsewhere to help me through the tough times and it was ultimately that which broke my ex and me up.

I need to remember all the hurt I experienced from him over the years at times though too and not put too much weight on my own shoulders for the mistakes that I made at the end. We have a dog together so are very much still in eachother’s lives and have to talk now and then and even see eachother from time to time. It’s taken me a while to realise but I do want to be without him and I would give anything to have one last shot at us. I felt we gave up, or I did, too easily last year and never tried to make another go of it. After everything we had been through I owed it one last shot but it didn’t happen. Perhaps it wasn’t supposed to happen and it’s not meant to be? I do have a feeling there’s unfinished business but then again I don’t think I will get another chance again.

He met someone else and moved her into where we once lived together. He moved her in 3 months after meeting her. How heart breaking is that?! So soon! They’ve now been together about 7 months and are all loved up. It’s his birthday and what would’ve been our 7 year anniversary next week and on top of that he’s going on holiday with her. My emotions are all over the place now but next week I really need to keep myself distracted as much as possible as it will be hard especially seeing all of her facebook photos tagging him in all happy. Everyone tells me she’s nothing on me and I do think she’s a bit gross and she’s very childlike and immature but there’s nothing I can do. It’s hard having to go to the house regularly and collect/drop off my dog with the shared custody we have agreed between us so it’s stopping me from moving on.

I wanted to share this with you all so you know how I’m feeling so it may explain some other actions and feelings in posts about future dating etc.

The questions I now ask are; should I completely give up hoping there’s a slim slim chance my ex and me could get back together? How do I move on?