Memories

It’s the memories and adventures that keep reminding me of how I felt at that moment in time and with my ex L. It’s been a year and a half now and it just doesn’t get much easier. He drove past me the other day and waved and I just broke down, something so simple can have such an effect on me.

It’s a new year and I’ve generally been feeling positive, even though I’ve been diagnosed with a chest infection but at least it’s not pneumonia like the doctor thought it could be originally, so even though I’ve been bed ridden the first week of the new year and signed off work with time to think I’ve actually been fairly positive. I’ve thought about holidays this year, days out, events and I’ve begun filling in my 2016 diary. But then a memory creeps in and it takes me back and makes me feel sad.

Something I’ve realised also is that because I did a lot with L and I spent 6 years with him he’s been most of my adult life as we met when 21/22 most of my experiences and best times have been with him. I’m worried this can affect dating and moving on as I obviously talk about places I’ve been, holidays I’ve been on, things I’ve done and they ask who I did that with etc and I say with my ex. But I suppose at this age people need to expect that.

I’m 30 this year, it’s a big year for me. I really want to find my own place but it’s so expensive around here and with a dog half the time it makes it incredibly difficult but I am determined. Once I know my new pay after my promotion is approved I’ll do a plan money wise and save and see what I can realistically afford so I can still do things too. In my own place I’d do a lot more in though too saving me money as I’d have my own space and can have friends, and dates, around for movie nights and drinks and games etc. I really want to make this happen this year. I have 8 months until I’m 30 to make this a reality.

In 2015 I’m proud of myself for not shutting myself away, for seeking medical help and counselling for depression and anxiety, for traveling to New York on my own and for continuing to battle on. 2016 I want to be my year and I want to look back on this at the end of the year and realise how much further I’ve come.

Here’s to trying to make new memories that won’t feature L and thinking about my new memories I’ll make this year and beyond…

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NYC, new beginnings…

oops so I haven’t written in a while, I really want to keep up with this but it’s hard when my feelings are so up and down I find. So NYC was a great experience, it made me realise I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship though so I ended things with M when I got back, he’s so lovely so it’s such a shame but it’s not right. If I’m still thinking of my ex when with him then he’s obviously not the one so I’ll just be strong and patient until the one sweeps me off my feet and I stop thinking about my ex like that!

I rejoined the world of online dating as it’s a good distraction and even though it’s annoying a lot of the time it can be funny and you can meet the odd half decent guy who you can have a conversation with. I also met someone who is selling me my new car, which I collect in 2 weeks – exciting, and there’s something about him I really like and could see myself falling for him but he’s 6 years younger and I have a feeling I’ll get hurt. I’m being careful but don’t want to not try because I’m too scared. We ended up spending the night together last wk and had a date this wk which was really nice just relaxing watching films. I don’t know what it is about him but I feel I could really like him and that terrifies me…

I’ve decided to seriously look into finding my own little 1 bed place in Oxfordshire and it seems there are a few pet friendly places so that’s made me feel positive, now all I need to do it work out my money plan to see what is realistically affordable. I hope to move early 2016 ideally. Will keep you updated.

Also my next promotion at work is likely to be half a year or more sooner than expected, very exciting. Pay rise next month then promotion in a few months. Work is making me feel positive too. Now to transfer that to my personal life…2016 will be my year I’ve got a good feeling…