Cancer…f*** you!

Wow I can’t believe I haven’t written since January! I’ll provide an update of the last 7 months in time but for now I wanted to write about my struggle with dealing with the shock, sadness and anger that cancer of a loved one brings.

My grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 6 weeks ago in early June. From having pain for about a month and seeing the doctor lots and just getting more pills each time she finally had to go to a&e as the pain was so severe. After tests and scans we found out a few days later it was terminal cancer and due to the severity and her age there was nothing that could be done apart from give her pain relief to try and keep her comfortable. At this time we were told it could be 6 months she has left to live. Despite the shock and pain at the time grandma was still her usual jokey self and came home from hospital a few days later.

Over the past 6 weeks the family have witnessed her deteriorate at a rapid pace, slowly becoming unable to walk, eat or drink. As of today she is unable to talk, move or wake up. The last week or so has been the worst time of my life by far. The pain of watching someone, that means everything to you and someone that you love with all of your heart, slip away in front of you without you being able to do anything is the most heartbreaking thing ever. I’ve been a mess and cannot stop crying, I stopped visiting my grandma 2 days ago as I cannot handle it anymore. The image of her as a bag of bones and yellow and wasting away is one that will haunt me forever. He hasn’t woken up or moved for a few days now too and her breathing is not very regular. The doctor told us on Thursday that she could pass away anytime now. She’s tough and is hanging on in there though and is surprising us every hour she’s still here. 

I’m emotionally drained and exhausted. I’m not sleeping or eating that well and feel so low. I just want to curl up and not see anyone or speak to anyone. My depression is probably at the lowest it’s ever been. I’m worried for my mum too and really hope she will be ok as when my grandma passes it will hit her hard. She’s only cried twice in the last couple of days in front of me and I know this is going to be so so tough on her and she will struggle with her emotions.

It’s just a waiting game as it has been since we were told it’ll be a few days, which was 3 days ago, and I’m not prepared for when that news comes…

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Memories

It’s the memories and adventures that keep reminding me of how I felt at that moment in time and with my ex L. It’s been a year and a half now and it just doesn’t get much easier. He drove past me the other day and waved and I just broke down, something so simple can have such an effect on me.

It’s a new year and I’ve generally been feeling positive, even though I’ve been diagnosed with a chest infection but at least it’s not pneumonia like the doctor thought it could be originally, so even though I’ve been bed ridden the first week of the new year and signed off work with time to think I’ve actually been fairly positive. I’ve thought about holidays this year, days out, events and I’ve begun filling in my 2016 diary. But then a memory creeps in and it takes me back and makes me feel sad.

Something I’ve realised also is that because I did a lot with L and I spent 6 years with him he’s been most of my adult life as we met when 21/22 most of my experiences and best times have been with him. I’m worried this can affect dating and moving on as I obviously talk about places I’ve been, holidays I’ve been on, things I’ve done and they ask who I did that with etc and I say with my ex. But I suppose at this age people need to expect that.

I’m 30 this year, it’s a big year for me. I really want to find my own place but it’s so expensive around here and with a dog half the time it makes it incredibly difficult but I am determined. Once I know my new pay after my promotion is approved I’ll do a plan money wise and save and see what I can realistically afford so I can still do things too. In my own place I’d do a lot more in though too saving me money as I’d have my own space and can have friends, and dates, around for movie nights and drinks and games etc. I really want to make this happen this year. I have 8 months until I’m 30 to make this a reality.

In 2015 I’m proud of myself for not shutting myself away, for seeking medical help and counselling for depression and anxiety, for traveling to New York on my own and for continuing to battle on. 2016 I want to be my year and I want to look back on this at the end of the year and realise how much further I’ve come.

Here’s to trying to make new memories that won’t feature L and thinking about my new memories I’ll make this year and beyond…

Christmas sadness

I really didn’t want to feel sad today and hoped I wouldn’t but it’s happened.

Christmas Day started well with walking the dogs over the fields with my parents and opening lots of presents then having a nice pub lunch with some of the family. After that I napped and then my dad annoyed me, the one thing I wanted to watch on tv today he got funny about as it would mean he missed one of the many soaps on! After that we had a cocktail and some buffet food and my parents got sucked into the tv, watched soaps and downton, and didn’t want to socialise or play games at all. So I was sat there bored on my phone with no one to speak to or have fun with.

It’s my first year being single in 9 years and it’s a struggle. I’m used to being around others and a bigger family so it makes me sad seeing friends put up pics with big families and children etc as I want that so bad and miss that a lot. Is it too much to ask that Christmas Day doesn’t revolve around the tv. It’s pretty sad I haven’t been able to play games, be social and have fun this year. I really can’t stay in for NYE so am now desperate to make plans. This is not helping me and my depression. I need to make things better than waste time feeling like this…life is too short!

Merry Christmas all and I hope you’ve all had a wonderful time xoxo

Tough day

I finally plucked up the courage and went to see the doctor today to discuss my emotions and anxiety and I’m so glad I did in a way, as soon as I got there I started crying and apologising for crying. The doctor was lovely and she said she can see how affected I am at the moment and has prescribed my anti depressants and sleeping tablets and I’m on the waiting list for counselling. It made me quite sad someone confirming it all though and I’ve felt quite down today about it. I’ve told my best friend but that’s it. I feel I should let others know in case my mood affects any friendships etc but I hate opening up.

I’m going to start my medication tomorrow and sleeping tablets from Sunday night. I have to see the doctor again in 3 wks to see how it’s going with the meds.

The rest of the day wasn’t too bad as I was cleaning and getting ready for my date with L tonight. As my parents are still away it was the last time I’d have a free house so I bought prosecco and snacks and he was due over around 7ish. An hour before he text saying he had a family meal to go to. I kind of expected some excuse to come up but was hoping that was me being silly but nope. So here I am drinking prosecco and eating popcorn watching burlesque alone on a Friday night. I’m trying not to cry as I did all my makeup etc and don’t want to waste tears on another guy! I haven’t responded to his last message as I’m too angry.

Why is it that the guys I fall for mess me about but the guys who fall for me I’m not interested in?! It’s super frustrating!

Low day

Today has been a particularly low day, I’m not sure why but I’ve literally been on the verge of tears all day at work and it’s been quite a stressful day too which hasn’t helped. So now I’m at home crying my eyes out. I’m glad my parents are away this week so I can let my emotions out without anyone seeing me but I hate how I’m feeling and I can’t shake it off. I really feel I’m slipping back into depression again and I feel I need to see the doctor again but don’t want to admit it or cry in front of someone.

I had such a great night on Saturday with my friend and L and spent the night with L again. We just get on really well and it’s fun. I know he’d never want anything serious though, he’s younger and never had a proper gf really. I can’t stop thinking about him though and it’s the first guy since my long term ex that has really taken my mind off him and knowing it’s probably going to end pretty soon sucks. So I’m distracting myself by meeting up with a guy for a drink tonight, all I’ll be thinking about is L probably but I can’t rely on him when I feel my heart will get crushed soon.

When am I going to finally feel happy?! I really really cannot see it happening at all and that’s a horrible feeling…I’m nearly 30 and I’m really sad, life shouldn’t be like this and I just don’t know what to do.

Saturday night struggles

So it’s rare im in alone on weekend nights but tonight it’s happening. I have my dog this weekend (who I share with my ex) so that’s why I’m in but also because friends are busy doing other things which means I can’t chat to anyone right now which is making me feel worse so I’m letting all my thoughts out here.

The past few weeks, as you will read from my last blog, have been a lot better for me and I’ve concentrated on planning things and looking forward. However the last few days I have struggled again, perhaps I’ll always experience these waves for a while, who knows?! I wish a year and a month later I could forget and stop reminicising but I can’t, even when I have someone else who really likes me around. I’m finding it so hard to forgive myself and so hard to forget the nearly 6 years we had together, it’s so damn hard! 

  
I’ve had quite a few dates with M now and he’s so lovely. Last weekend we went for tapas and then met with mutual friends who are a couple for drinks. It was such a nice evening and he asked me to be his girlfriend, obviously face to face I had to say yes but I wanted to aswell, I was really happy in that moment and it felt right, although we’ve only kissed a few times. Now I’m just waiting for us to move it to that next step and each day and date that passes more pressure is added and my interest will start to go unless it happens soon. I feel myself holding back and not completing opening up even though I should with him but it’s not happening and I do think it’s down to us not moving onto that next step. Tomorrow is the best opportunity we would’ve had so fingers crossed it happens finally! I’ll keep you updated. I’ve also removed POF and tinder from my phone as it was annoying me anyways with the losers on there but I feel I don’t need it now I’m with someone, I just hope I can move on with him as he is the perfect guy for me. I just need to really believe it deep down and somehow move on. How can I help myself move on?!

His birthday and our anniversary

So today is my ex’s birthday and what would’ve been our 7 year anniversary. It’s a tough day! I’m here nursing a 2 day hangover from a heavy weekend in Manchester visiting uni friends and he’s off sunning himself up abroad with his new girlfriend. So obviously she’s posting a million things on facebook like always. It’s like she’s a teenager the way she does it and I know it’s just to rub it in my face. He’s also bought her a Swarovski bracelet, it’s his birthday, whys he buying her such a gift!? But of course she had to put up a soppy status and photo. Eurgh. 

I wrote on his wall saying happy birthday and hope he’s having a nice holiday and said that Charlie (our dog) wishes his daddy a happy birthday and he only went and deleted it. Most likely she kicked off and as he has no balls anymore and she’s got him wrapped around her finger he does whatever to please her. So frustrating and just plain rude! So rude and I’m so angry. I had a bit of a meltdown when I realised and my dog ran over to me and jumped on me and licked my face then lay like a baby in my arms and fell asleep. He never does that and it made me cry more as it was just so cute and I’m glad that comfort.

Anyways I’m now off to the gym for a personal trainer session to induct me on some of the machines I never use that look complicated and I have so many emotions so will put that into my work out.

I hate feeling like this and can’t wait to be happy again I really can’t but I just can’t see it happening. I have temporary moments of happiness when I have a night out planned or weekend away then afterwards is so hard as the excitement leading up the those events has passed and everything comes crashing down on me again.

Xoxo