The last two years have been the toughest and saddest of my entire life. This makes me more determined to make 2016 my year! I can do this and be the strong person I once was who is happy and looking forward to the future.
So tomorrow my counselling sessions begin. I’m nervous, really nervous. Nervous about opening up, being honest, getting upset, opening wounds, facing things I have avoided for a year and half and not knowing if this will be worthwhile for me. I really hate showing my emotions and always act tough and have a smile on my face so tomorrow will be really difficult for me.
I’m really missing caring about someone and having someone truly care for me. I want to find that again and for it to be real. I just can’t see it happening.
I’ll update on my counselling session shortly. Wish me luck xoxo
Today has been a particularly low day, I’m not sure why but I’ve literally been on the verge of tears all day at work and it’s been quite a stressful day too which hasn’t helped. So now I’m at home crying my eyes out. I’m glad my parents are away this week so I can let my emotions out without anyone seeing me but I hate how I’m feeling and I can’t shake it off. I really feel I’m slipping back into depression again and I feel I need to see the doctor again but don’t want to admit it or cry in front of someone.
I had such a great night on Saturday with my friend and L and spent the night with L again. We just get on really well and it’s fun. I know he’d never want anything serious though, he’s younger and never had a proper gf really. I can’t stop thinking about him though and it’s the first guy since my long term ex that has really taken my mind off him and knowing it’s probably going to end pretty soon sucks. So I’m distracting myself by meeting up with a guy for a drink tonight, all I’ll be thinking about is L probably but I can’t rely on him when I feel my heart will get crushed soon.
When am I going to finally feel happy?! I really really cannot see it happening at all and that’s a horrible feeling…I’m nearly 30 and I’m really sad, life shouldn’t be like this and I just don’t know what to do.